The hollow winds that blow as a train passes by you at the train station has no scent.
A voyage of soul searching and taking heed of the less capricious things in life has started. I refrained from blogging recently in fear of my emotions taking me by the scruff of my neck, choosing to apply the tunnel vision, focusing on one thing and making everything else secondary. As a 15 year old however, Jonathan and myself coined tunnel vision as the perfect cleavage down a lady's top.
What it takes to be a man, an odd title. Before I start, I'd love to thank those who have sent me encouraging personal messages and comments on my other works.
Recently I have been getting into witty battles with a real life psychologist. Why? I guess to fill some voids in life. Allow me to explain the essentials for being a man. Logic is something we choose to apply on others but not ourselves. If you need to change a bulb, a man would tip toe on a chair and add books below it, rather than get a ladder as he'll have to put the ladder back. It is male logic. Don't question it. However the same logic does not apply in this next scenario. As a guy, there will be NO BETTER MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE than that FIGHT SCENE AT THE FOREST FOR TRANSFORMERS 2. And I shall be bold enough to say, if you disagree, you're either a left hander/queer/gay/a shithole picker or a lady:) Because thats just the way it is. Don't ask for a logical explanation here. There may be a better more enthralling moment soon, but till today, I stand corrected if someone says Optimus Prime vs 3 Decepticons is not the most telling moment in their lives, I'd kick you in the nuts just to see if it hurts.
Another Primary ingredient in man. Food. It is a guy thing, that going out with your friends will make you a whole lot more hungrier, and no matter how rich you are, it is generally a must to bust that belt for a buffet. And at this point if someone says he's on a diet and his gym instructor or crap needs him to cut down, you have all the right in the world to smack him. It is an absolute must to stuff yourself, UNLESS you are trying to fake your way to a lady. Then the ball game is changed. But if you are with a group of friends, guys (with a few girls who're not likely to appear in song sequences in your dreams), it is an absolute must to get stuffed on a buffet.
When eating seafood, to a guy, there is no greater epitome of manhood than being able to devour what seems like a well eaten fish. If the fish head and tail are in tact, the alpha male has to dig behind its gills and inform the rest of the table that the best meat is located there and devour it until justice has been done. IF it is a crab, you are supposed to chew every square inch of the legs to ensure no meat is left behind. If it is a chicken, it is a must to suck on some marrow.
Now we come to the bitching. No matter what happens, no matter how wrong your friend is, you are supposed to throw a punch when he is attacked in a club. And anyone who fails to comply by this rule is deemed a failure to the law. If you are hit in a club and you are surrounded by others, you must at least throw a punch back. As a man it is better to have gone down getting your arse kicked by 5 others rather than take a slap and keep quiet. If someone initiates a slap, talking your way out of things is considered a lost and therefore does not make you a man. Who made these laws, I honestly dont know but women and softies as well as other men who do not know these rules take note.
When going out with friends, even if you are not drinking, you are obliged to buy a round if everyone else has. The one who does not drink from the group has to at least take a coke. No one is too full for a glass. And allergies are about the STUPIDEST most RIDICULOUS excuses ever. A real man will get get angioedema and hay fever but no way in hell blame turn a peanut down.
You are required to put up a fight to pay the bill. In the event that you sit it out, you might as well get yourself castrated.
Remembering one stupid thing you did in life that you should regret but are proud to talk about is another key factor into being a man. Be it singing a love song to a pregnant teacher, or being a drag queen, if you have not had an embarrassing moment that you are proud of in life, you have failed to meet a key requirement.
You are also expected to know that the way to fix ANYTHING is by bonking it hard on the top. Works with women who're kneeling as well:). but yes a hard Bonk is the absolute first aid for anything that isnt working efficiently.
Women are to be given their due respect when they are either related to you by friendship or marriage or blood. In the event you are admiring a beautiful stranger, she is but a lifeless doll just meant to be ogled at. In the event you walk up to her being overly sensitive about a very trivial matter such as the colour of her dress, you fall into the queer category.
As a man you are expected to peel scabs on your knees when you are free. You are expected to be more pragmatic and practical rather than stylish. Your choice of clothes on the normal day should not take more than 2 seconds, being the top shirt in your wardrobe or whats hanging on the towel rack. In the event you have changed your attire for reasons other than a dresscode requirement or issues with sizes and comfort, you are in deed a sissy, No 2 ways about it.
To women reading this article, this article is not meant for you to understand. It is a mission statement real men pledge to every day of their lives. It is a mantra we chant. In the event you find it hard to understand it, you have just walked a moment in our lives regarding issues such as PMS, the need to keep bitchy friends and other trivial feminine matters. WE HAVE A HARD TIME reasoning them out, so please dont attempt to reason us out:)
